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Here at the-Coaching Blog-run by Gerard O’Donovan, our aim is to constantly bring value to those seeking to improve their lives. Therefore we have a policy of publishing articles and materials by guest authors whom we value and appreciate. Today’s guest author is Martin Goodyer (United Kingdom).
Expectations change with every generation. For many young people in their 20’s and early 30’s their experience of finding a life-partner is very different from their parents. While the post-war ‘baby-boomers’ and children of the sixties were in a hurry to leave home, take a mate and get on with their own life, their offspring are not. Their parents made mistakes but, unlike previous generations theirs has been public, and in many cases even celebrated; divorce, dysfunctional families, and discontent with just one-partner-for-life are things that young people have had to live with all their lives. Is it any wonder then that many of them are struggling to figure out how to find a love that lasts?
These seven rules are hierarchical. One builds on the next and will not deliver the desired results unless it has the proper foundation of what has gone before. So as soon as one fails, then it’s time to stop and move on. Here lies the problem because in most cases, people ‘want’ the relationship to work. It can feel counterintuitive to apply these rules and turn your back on something that feels like it might have potential. However, I urge you to do it. Letting go early is painful, but it is far more painful and costly to have to cut it loose later on. Following these rules will force you to make the most of something that’s good and save you from yourself when it’s not.
Never Compromise Chemistry
Chemistry is the feeling you get when you really ‘fancy’ somebody. It cannot be faked. It’s either there or it’s not. Rule number one is simple; no chemistry equals no future. It is, of course, possible to gradually develop deep and meaningful feelings, but that will never produce the tummy butterflies and wobbly knees that accompany real honest to goodness chemistry. Chemistry is nature’s way of telling you that ‘this person’ could be a good match for you. The reason you will feel like touching and kissing each other is that the human body has concentrated your sensory neurons in your finger tips and your lips. You are like a biological computer instantly processing the chemicals you have touched and tasted. You have an on board ‘mainframe’ that will quickly tell you if the chemistry of your potential partner is a reasonable potential match. It should set off warning signals if their DNA is too close to yours of if there’s some other biological reason for you not to ‘breed’.
Ignore Chemistry at your peril. A bad chemical match if ignored can easily be forgotten if there’s plenty of other evidence suggests that you should’ be together. Perhaps you can’t help feeling close to this person and so overlook the lack of chemistry, only to later discover they’re a cousin you’d never met before; or worse. Chemistry happens for a reason so take note of what it tells you and if it’s not there then move on.
Check Compatibility
Love, at first sight, is rarely enough for the long haul. With good health, a person in their twenties today can reasonably expect to live for another seventy or eighty years. That means any life-partner they have committed to now will be with them for longer than it’s possible to imagine. However, do not let that put you off. The truth is that each stage in life is a unique experience and sharing it with another person can be a joy and fabulous pleasure. Think of life as a ten-course banquet as opposed to ten courses of the same food. The latter would be boring and tedious, but the former is something you will WANT to share. Yet making the right choice of ‘banquet’ partner is an important decision. There’s as much joy in comparing the current course to the ones that went before as there is in simply enjoying what’s on your plate. Life is a feast to be shared. That’s why checking for compatibility is something that has to happen early on.
Get a friend to figure out with you your ultimate ‘deal-breakers’; the things that would make it impossible for you to live with someone. You need to be clear and specific. It’s unlikely that there will be too many so don’t confuse your ‘dislikes’ with your genuine ’walk-away’ issues. Come up with questions tell you what you need to know, but be careful; if it’s a ‘must’ for you that your life-partner loves dogs, then asking “Do you like dogs?” won’t tell you what you need to know. A ‘yes’ could simply be telling you what you want to hear, or a ‘no’ that they just never had a dog. A much better question might be “What’s your experience with dogs?” and then take it from there. If it’s clear that you’re not compatible, walk away and don’t look back. Be careful not to make excuses or pretend that ‘love’ will see you through. My experience is that it won’t; cut your losses and move on.
Share Secrets
Close friends share secrets. This person is being ‘interviewed’ to become your closest friend. Therefore now is as good a time as any to see how he or she responds to secret sharing. Remember, you will only get to this stage if you have successfully negotiated rules one and two. That means you already know you have ‘chemistry’ and are as sure as you can be that you’ve at least got a shot at being compatible. Sharing a secret is telling them that you trust and value them. Research has shown that secret sharing is a powerful and rapid way of securing friendship. The test here is the willingness of your partner to reciprocate. You must lead the way by sharing your secret. If he or she places as much trust and value in you as you are demonstrating in them, then they will share too.
It is important to make sure you are clear about your expectations; let your partner know that you want to share things that you wouldn’t share with just anyone. It’s hard NOT to infer that you are expecting the same from them so it should happen naturally. It’s not a test of their perceptive abilities, it’s a test of willingness to trust.
If there is a reticence to share; and don’t forget we are not necessarily talking about big secrets, it can be about sharing anything, then the question you need to ask yourself is “If not now, then when?” The chances are that if there’s no willingness now then there will always be a problem. If there is, then this one probably isn’t THE one.
Stroke Success
Everyone has an ego and it can be good for a new relationship to have it stroked. The trick is to stroke it at the right time and in the right way. Too early and it’ll either be perceived as insincere or lead to arrogance. Too late and it might be seen as a belated attempt to make up lost ground and still might be perceived as insincere. Identifying success and then recognizing it by being openly positive is to treat your partner like an adult. Adults who are friends take delight in metaphorically slapping each other on the back; we want our friends to know we know they’re ‘good at stuff’. Yet in many romantic relationships, particularly in the early stages, partners play amateur politics. Instead of acting like an adult they act like children and see personal success as some kind of competition. It’s as if acknowledging their partner is really good at something is to infer that they themselves are inferior. This rule is a test of the potential to have an adult relationship. In a potentially successful relationship, you are likely to have your stroking reciprocated. In a relationship that’s destined to be mired in childish game playing, you won’t.
Roll Out Rules
One of the worst things that can happen in a budding relationship is for the goalposts to move. Success can only be achieved if you both know what success looks like, sounds, tastes, feels and even smells like. How do you know if you are on track if you haven’t agreed on the rules that you are both happy with? You will both have your own rules, even if they’re not articulated or even if you have never thought about them. They are there. However, they often only get identified when they are broken; and that would be a terrible shame if you’ve made it this far only to fall at this hurdle because of a lack of clarity.
Getting past this rule is not as simple as drawing up a set of do’s and don’ts. The difficulty here is not only getting clear but getting an agreement. This is where you will learn if a compromise is going to be possible in your future relationship. This is about compromise and communication; testing your ability to communicate is not something to be put off; all relationships are founded on being able to talk.
Rules are important and have consequences. When you have clarified them it makes any rule breaking less confusing; as with the law of the land, ignorance is not an excuse. If you and your partner can’t agree with them now then it’s unlikely that agreeing with them will get any easier. When you work out the inevitable consequence of living with unclear rules then you are likely to conclude that it’s better to call it a day right now.
Demonstrate Value
Times will get tough, probably sooner than you imagined. There are some interesting biological effects of falling in love. Nature does its best to ensure that a ‘mating couple’ are helped to propagate the species; men experience increased levels of the female hormone estrogen when they meet a potential mate. This means that for a while they are more caring and less likely to be aggressive. Women experience an increase in the male hormone testosterone; it makes them more sexually aggressive and outwardly confident. However, this does not last long. It varies, but normally after about 12 weeks, the levels will have gone back to normal. This explains why so many whirlwind romances end in tears or holiday romances in young foreign waiters being sent back from where they came. This phenomenon will have happened to you if you have met the rules so far. To ensure that the first ‘tough times’ bridges are crossed it’s crucial to demonstrate your lasting value to the potential love of your life. I can’t tell you what that is, however you need to figure it out and then bring it to the fore. It will act like an anchor holding you together through rough seas. Without it you are likely to sink without trace. Of course, the test in this rule is for you to recognize the lasting value your partner will bring to your life. If there is none, then carrying on really is not an option.
Align Your Purpose
If you really want to get something right, you act ‘on purpose’. Your relationship is the same. It’s not necessary or even desirable to know what your ultimate goals are at the age of twenty or thirty, however, you will have a general sense of the purpose of your life. If you have surely not, then figure it out because if you and your partner end up with very different life purposes and don’t find out until you’ve been together for a while, one or both of you will be very disappointed with life.
Be careful not to move this rule up the agenda. There can be a tendency for some people to want to talk to any prospective partner about their ‘purpose’ before they’ve even established if they’ve got any chemistry. Don’t do it. At best it will waste your time because you won’t get a clear response and at worse, you’ll scare off someone who might have had potential.
Credit Source:
Martin Goodyer – Author of ‘How to be a Great Coach’ www.how2b.pro
Martin Goodyer is a psychologist and one of the UK’s leading personal coaches; he has spent thousands of hours helping people of all ages and backgrounds make positive changes for the better. Here he gives his advice on how to avoid wasting time and effort on relationships that probably don’t have a future. Here are his 7 rules to help generation ‘Y’ find a love that lasts.
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