An Easy Technique to Control Our Emotional State

Here at the-Coaching Blog-run by Gerard O’Donovan, our aim is to constantly bring value to those seeking to improve their lives. Therefore we have a policy of publishing articles and materials by guest authors whom we value and appreciate. Today’s guest author is Petra Juhászová (United Kingdom)
Things are never what they seem to be. We all have different experiences and based on those experiences we develop our filters of the world. How I see the world is different from how you see the world. When you say ‘I want to get to know you.’ or ‘I want to be successful.’- mean different things to people. Though the words are the same, the sentence structure is the same; still, we can’t guarantee that the participants of the conversation mean the same thing. Why? Simple. Each person is unique, and their experience is unique to them. This is one of the beliefs of NLP.
It was a lovely bright autumn morning when people from all around the world were waiting outside the function room for one of London’s prestigious hotels in Kensington. Dr Richard Bandler was about to start his weeklong training to pass on his knowledge of NLP to the keen learners.
Dr Richard Bandler and John Grinder, co-created Neuro-Linguistic Programming back in the 1970s. Their curiosity was sparked up by the observation that some people achieved outstanding results while others, with the same talent and circumstances, didn’t. They started studying this phenomenon.
NLP is the study of excellence that incorporates what’s going on in the individual’s mind (self-talk – the Neuro part), how they express their beliefs, thoughts (Linguistic) and how this all becomes a pattern (the Programming). This becomes our default response in certain situations when we are triggered by the stimulus.
One does not even have to remember consciously the core of the problem or behaviour. Our subconscious remembers correctly and starts running the usual programme.
According to a study by Daniel Gilbert and Matthew Killingsworth¹ shows that around 46% of the time our mind is wandering, and we are not paying attention to what we do. We don’t focus, as we are on autopilot. We do as we have always done. We give away our power to be in charge of our emotions and actions.
NLP techniques are powerful techniques helping us to ‘reprogram’ our mind, so we can focus on what really needs our attention. Here I would like to share one of the many techniques from the ‘arsenal of NLP’ that is easy to apply.
Once I worked with somebody who was going through a very challenging period with their partner. Let’s call this person Anna. Time after time Anna’s mind returned to the problem that was causing her to become anxious and this stopped her from seeing clearly. Her emotions were controlling her and she was losing focus.
When Anna was in this state I knew asking her to focus on something positive or different would be no use. The first step, helping her was to create rapport with her. There are different ways of creating rapport. I decided to use the one to match my breathing with hers.
Once I could see that the rapport was established, I started slowing down my breathing. With an inner relief, I could see that she was following my pace. Now, it was time to start work.
The next stage was to break her state with an unexpected question. This question is supposed to ‘wake up’ the brain from following the pattern it was prepared to follow.
‘Where in your body do you feel this anxiety when you think of your partner?’
I found this technique very profound as it breaks the individual’s state of mind and helps them refocus on the present moment. Once the individual identifies the place of the feeling/sensation in their body, comes the next question:
‘If it had a shape, what shape it would be? What color would it have?’
These and similar questions help to turn something abstract into something more specific. Specific enough to change it. They help the person to get back in touch with their body and ‘reality’. So once their nervous system is calm, it is more open to work.
When I could see that Anna was in touch with the present moment I asked the following question:
‘Now, as you gave shape, size, texture to this feeling in your body. Which direction is it going?’
There are only 4 possible directions to go – forward, backward, to the left or to the right. When we have the direction defined, we simply change the direction. By the change of the direction, the reaction is diminishing. And the person won’t have this immobilising emotional reaction in this situation.
Personally,  I use this technique a lot. Not just to help people to get in touch with themselves but also to help me navigate in between the challenging periods popping up in my life – for example before some public speaking, or when I am facing a difficult conversation and I feel nervous.
NLP taught me to be more focused on myself and what’s going on inside me. However, it also helped me to look at my interactions in a different way. We are all unique and we react differently in different situations.
NLP believes that people do their actions with good intention. To borrow Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s² words – we all have the same needs, but we are using different strategies to achieve those needs. NLP offers us many different techniques to master focusing on the desired outcome and let go of the behaviours and beliefs that don’t serve us anymore.
Once you start applying some of the techniques you become more aware of the world around you and the world within you.

Reference:

¹ – https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/your-brain-work/201011/new-study-shows-humans-are-autopilot-nearly-half-the-time
² – Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
 

About Petra Juhászová

Transformational Life Coach, NLP Practitioner
Website: www.empfinity.com
Petra is passionate about helping people to reconnect with themselves and see how much control they have over their own life. Sometimes all, what’s needed is a little help. In her sessions, she uses different techniques to offer people the best possible way to progress on their journey. Her techniques are based on NLP, systemic constellations, mindfulness, EFT and other creative ways of helping people to get unblocked.
On her blog she shares her thoughts on different topics with the intention to inspire people.
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