Resilience Rumbles

What helps a person get up and keep going when something happens that is a set-back, big or small?  What makes a person resilient?  You’d be surprised.  It’s not a “I’ve got it, I can do it. I’m okay. I stuff my feelings and keep going” kind of attitude. 
It’s all those soft skills: 

  • It’s being honest and open about your feelings: vulnerability;
  • It’s being curious where those thoughts and feelings come from and letting yourself go with them for the moment;
  • It’s being compassionate with yourself and with others when you fail;
  • It’s acknowledging those false assumptions and putting a correct ones in it’s place;
  • And it’s learning from this to put new practices in place.

Brené Brown calls this the rumble.
Do you want to be a resilient person?  Then this is what you need to start doing:
Be honest about your emotions
Be honest about what you are thinking and feeing, at least with yourself and those closest to you.  Sometimes, we are not very adept at naming and understanding our feelings.  If you want some words and degrees of emotions, look here:
Emotions are neutral things – one should not call certain ones “negative emotions”.  But they do show things about what is going on inside you.  They are clues to what is happening inside and how you can change.
Get curious about the feelings and thoughts that occur when you have a “facedown experience”
There is something that happened that triggered “old patterns” of response in you, that bring back the worn, over-played stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, others and life.  We need to explore this response to figure out what is really going on within ourselves.
To do that you
Have to give yourself – and others – some space to be human, some compassion
We are al human.  We will make always mistakes and we will never be perfect.  In fact, to improve we have to admit our mistakes.  What an interesting puzzle!  But it is true.  When you allow self-compassion and compassion for others to rule your way of dealing with life, you are able to see things more clearly.  You are able to change and allow others space for change.  We must remember people are really doing the best they can with what tools they have.  Really.
Watch false assumptions and stories you tell yourself.  Don’t judge!
Often we tell ourselves false stories at this point, “I’m a failure!” or “S/He really doesn’t like me.”  We assume way too much that is just not true.  Some of the best coaching questions go in this direction, focusing on what we are assuming and whether or not it is true or partially true.  We often judge ourselves, and others, much too quickly and often falsely, as well.  Again, most of us have good intentions most of the time, but we are human.
We must put what is true into the place of the false assumptions and move on with those truths
When we live by what we know is true, we can become more resilient and, not only that, we can become more whole.  And that is a very good thing.
Finally, we have to think about the learning points and put them into practice for “the next time”
When we learn things about ourselves (and others), we need to put those learning points into practice so they are not forgotten. Then those new insights can be applicable for the next facedown experience.  We know it is only a matter of time before another failure, another issue, will happen.
What has happened to you recently that you should rumble with?  What were you feeling?  What were your immediate actions/reactions and what were the stories (assumptions) you were telling yourself?  What was really true?  How can you live by the truth and not the false assumptions, and move on?  What did you learn from the whole experience?
Enjoy your rumbling this week!
Patricia Jehle
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